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Chief
That sounds very frustrating. She is just making you feel the pain without giving you a path to resolution. Kind a weird control dynamic and sounds like the therapist will be part of your relationship.
it’s controlling to want to be healthy and make sure she doesn’t react in a negative way? it’s controlling she doesn’t want to argue? please be serious
To all the men telling you that “she’s crazy” or “she’s not your person”… it sounds like (potentially) you need to learn how to be more emotionally in tune with your partner, and perhaps more considerate or thoughtful in your communication. I’m not blaming you, it also sounds like she may have an anxious attachment style, but communication and emotional consideration are two issues that will permeate any future relationship you have if not worked on. You’ve mentioned being a bit more dismissive - why don’t you get a therapist of your own and talk through some of this? Even if you don’t end up with this girl it will help you.
Thanks. I already think I’m making strides by becoming more informed and work through some things in 2mo - so when I see her take 8yrs to be in therapy and not make significant strides, all I can think is…do I have to wait for this? What’s the outcome here? Not sure tbh
If I say something via text that unintentionally upsets her, I will get a text a few hours that says:
“Hey, I’m upset at what you said. I don’t want to talk about it tonight. I’m going to wait to talk to my therapist in a few days to make sure I’m articulating what I mean correctly. “
Even though I don’t think she should be mad (not my job to decide that), I find her overly introspective on her emotions. Like, do you *really* need to consult your therapist to tell me I’m being a butthead? Does it have to be this whole emotional rollercoaster?
I find it just exhausting.
Omfg my blood pressure literally spiked when I read the OP - run as fast and far away as possible. Life is far too short to put up with this esp if you’re only dating for <1 yr…I can understand if you were supporting a longtime partner working through newly developed emotional issues due to some major incident/life change but this ain’t it.
It’s not going to get better. Better to get out and find someone stable.
And fast
Chief
Run. If she wanted to circle back after her therapy to talk about something that has bothered her or that she would ant’s to clarify, that’s fine.
But leaving you hanging under a cloud of “I’m mad but won’t say why” for days? Not fine. That’s controlling and just obnoxious.
And not being able to talk about low stakes annoyances without her therapist’s input? Red flag as to her maturity or stability.
Stop asking if this is normal, it’s not. Get out now
It’s hard to evaluate the situation without context so going by what you said - you’ve said something that bothers her, she told you she thought that wasn’t okay and that she wanted to discuss it with her therapist so she can tactfully communicate. I can see how that might make you anxious about an impending conversation and I think it’s valid if you were to tell her that next time she should either discuss it with you or her therapist but keeping you in limbo is unfair.
You also said it’s the same day-in and day-out, but there’s no context here that is telling of whether she’s emotionally over-sensitive or if you’re just perpetually unaware that you’re being insensitive. If this has happened before then you should hopefully have spoken about what caused her to feel that way and then made a genuine effort to change that behavior. If you’re consistently at odds and you’ve done everything in your power to be more mindful, then it’s likely she’s just sensitive or thrives on drama - both are not great traits in a partner. From the dismissive way you bring up her feelings and deflect responsibility, I’m not totally sold on the idea your partner is just being sensitive. At the end of the day, as a response to something you did or said, someone else’s feelings are not something that are being “dumped” on you. Acknowledging how your words and actions impact others shows accountability. Learning from those situations shows growth. Both of these are an obligation you have to your partner and she has to you. If you’re making this effort and it’s still a daily “something”, then of course she’s got her own personal issues to work on. I can’t tell you if this means your relationship is healthy or if you’re compatible. After all, you shouldn’t feel like you’re doing heavy emotional labor every day. However, the read I’m getting from your own telling of the story is that you’re not putting in the bare minimum to be accountable and do better, which will just resurface in future long-term relationships if this doesn’t work out. Your partner shouldn’t have to get over her feelings when they are inconvenient to you.
Chief
I’ll just say, OP, that having your first relationship be a long distance relationship and stressing about how to best communicate via text isn’t ideal. It’s easy to miscommunicate via text. If you really like this woman and want to really see if you’re compatible, then this trip being together for 3 months in person will be helpful. Of course it’s vacation mode and not “real life” mode, but it’s better than not being together in person. I hope the trip is great! If it’s not, well, might be time to part ways.
That’s a control tactic, or she is very emotionally unstable.
I was in a long distance relationship years ago for about 2-3 months, and it really exposed her and her short fuse.
You have to take a deeper look and see if this is something you can fix on your end what you are doing unintentionally or your SO has a short fuse.
I’d leave before you become too attached/ brain washed
I concur
that's a lot of maintenance for someone who's trying to establish a new relationship
@OP, as someone who’s also the complete opposite of codependent and have dated “codependent emotional” girls, I’d say you can do yourself a favor and find someone you’re more compatible with. I’d save my extra mental, emotional energy for better use in a more mature relationship than having to deal with this. She’s 29, seems to have been coddled for 8 years through therapy and is gonna be in “patient” mode for a long time. Is she seeing a therapist for life? Has she seen any improvements to her psychological and emotional psyche? Imo relationships are ideally about two people fully in control of themselves, so they can create something greater, seems like her emotional states might be a huge drawback in accomplishing such goals. Again these are my opinions and l could very well be wrong.
That hit deep C1- I do feel like I’ve signed up to own her trauma (that’s been a theme of the relationship).
She was in the middle of “fixing herself” when I came into the picture, where after she opted to give it a shot instead of finish the process
Run unless you thrive on crazy
This doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship.
It’s a no for Me. she seems codependent, unstable and not in control of her emotions. She also seems to use you as blame for her emotional states, yikes
24F here - run. This is not going to get better. It’s good your gf seems to recognize it may be an issue, but also at 29 and after 8 years of therapy, if she’s coming across as this sensitive, it’s probably simply a sign you are incompatible together. I have a friend who this is reminding me of, and I recently realized that she is bringing me down to her level every time she’s over sensitive, misinterprets, and then calls me out on whatever she is misinterpreting. You deserve better, or at least different, than this.
Pro
Sounds exhausting AF. I’m sorry but IMO she has some self development and growth to so before she can be in a healthy and sustainable relationship. I’d be out 🤷🏻♀️
Good luck!! I'm older so guess relationships, back in the mid eighties were more about having fun, enjoying each other's company, listening to music, sharing a romantic meal.
.making your boyfriend happy and feel appreciated. Not all this I've had a bad day so
Let me take it out on you or you fix me attitude.... Life is stessful enough...Be happy
Rising Star
Dude- how hot is this girl that you haven’t changed your phone number yet??
8 months in? Hit the ripcord bud. This is a rental not something to own long term.
Rising Star
You are pretty early in the relationship, but at the same time things move quick for adults after 1 year together.
I would think long and hard about what you really love about your girlfriend, and make sure these things far outweigh the issues you brought up.
Do you love her despite the issues? Do you love her but expect the issues to go away? You have to come to terms with the fact these issues likely won’t go away.
Enthusiast
I feel for you OP. My boyfriend is overly emotional too, and it puts a strain on our relationship. Not sure how much longer I can deal with it either.
Enthusiast
Yesterday I learned what an HSP is, and it sounds just like him. Check out this article, particularly the “Impact of Being an HSP” and “Potential Pitfalls” section. The strain for me comes when he keeps thinking there is an issue and won’t let it go, and also when I try to communicate an actual issue he takes it personally, gets upset (angry/crying), then spirals for hours. It feels like I can’t talk to him about certain things and have to constantly put up a happy front or else spend the next few hours/days comforting him.
https://www.verywellmind.com/highly-sensitive-persons-traits-that-create-more-stress-4126393