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Be honest with them and tell them you're working through things that are causing problems. I have this issue when I'm stressed, depressed, or just generally not in the mood. I be up front with my SO about it and apologize, and they are understanding that it's not their fault.
If you can, be open and honest with your personal issues with your partner, but you need to understand what's going on with yourself first so you can actually explain it
Sounds like you have a good understanding of it then. Do you feel comfortable sharing that with your partner? Sounds like other people are saying being up front may be the way to go.
I struggle a lot with guilt over this but it's important to understand that there's nothing wrong with you.
Communicating this frequently helped things go from a big guilty letdown with my partner to just an inconvenience (as long as I tell them as soon as I know it's not gonna happen and not waste their time).
After being up front and offering to reciprocate long enough, I've noticed I'm the only one who feels bad. Just don't leave things up to their imagination.
You got this!
I have had a couple of boyfriends like this and honesty is very important. FYI, this is a thing that men can’t actually fake, it is pretty obvious. It’s also probably not a big deal to your partner, it wasn’t a big deal to me. One boyfriend had a very very specific way he could finish or else he just didn’t, and one boyfriend just never did. And like another person said, it was generally medication or anxiety related, maybe sometimes booze related, but it didn’t bother me, as long as he was actually enjoying himself and it wasn’t me causing the problem for him.
So common. As a woman who has sex with men, I've had to reassure a good portion of my partners that not finishing sometimes is super normal, I've seen it a lot, and the pressure/shame to finish really just ruins the experience for us both so don't worry about it.
It is SO common for men to not finish. Boners are fickle.
Can he/she stick a finger in your ass and do a prostate thingy
Rising Star
When you say ‘thingy’ it almost makes it sound cute. But it’s going to be a poo covered finger so....?
i think being honest about it is the only thing you can do. i’ve been the other person in this situation (i.e. your partner) and i got really insecure that i was causing it and they weren’t attracted to me. once we talked about it, it eased the pressure on both of us. if your partner cares about you (which i’m sure they do), they’ll understand and appreciate the honesty. sex isn’t just about cumming. what makes it fun and pleasurable is having a space to let go of your inhibitions and get out of your head. wishing you the best of luck!
I go through spells like this. I’ve considered it a comfort thing - adjusting to a new partner (occasionally it’s just stress). Similar to you, I just fake it. When you’re using a condom, it’s not like anyone is expecting “evidence” of completion, ya know? If anything, my girlfriends just thought I was some kind of Superman because I could go multiple rounds...but really I just never bothered telling them that it was one continuous round for me. Anyway, for me it would go away after developing some comfort with a new partner.
This is helpful, I have had similar experiences but it doesn’t always resolve itself with familiarity
Don’t fake it! Please be honest. It’s something that can be worked on, improved. There are more parts of sec beyond just finishing. Some therapy might help you get out of your head if there is a psychological element as well.
Women don’t necessarily finish every time, men are always expected to. I think this would go over better than expected and is a super relatable issue for most women
Sharing it with your partner might actually help. When I met my husband he had issues our first time and he was like “hey look, when I really like someone I feel pressure and this can happen. It’s not you, i hope you understand.” After he told me that the problem seemed to disappear 🤷🏻♀️
DO NOT start a relationship off by lying. Eventually he/she’s gonna find out.
First off, not prying but genuinely curious about it, have you seen a specialist? Science has a come a long way. Pun intended. Even if it’s a mental thing, talk to someone. It can definitely help. Also, if you’re worried about your privacy, HIPAA bro. You’re health comes first and it’s 2021. No stigma or judgement. Just supportive shitty puns.
Second, you really don’t want to start off lying. For starters, if the roles were reversed would you be ok with her lying to you? For finishers, pun intended, it’s just a shitty move. You know that and I think you just need to hear (read) it.
Thirdly, let’s assume worst case scenario. Let’s say you tell your partner and he/she freaks out. “Oh you don’t cum, well I’m out.” COOL THEN GTFO. You opened up to someone and they didn’t understand? Hit the bricks and kick rocks with no shoes on. Is it an ideal situation, nope. But there’s relationships out there that have it infinitely worse. You’re just starting the relationship and it ends. Fine. The flip side of that coin is lie to him/her for a year before they find out and then still break up. Not only are you even more hurt from the time and effort you put in, but you missed a year of being single, finding someone who actually wants to be with you.
You gotta be honest. There’s no real shortcut here. This is the way.
Rising Star
Definitely talk to your partner about it. But also, do you still enjoy yourself even if you don’t finish? Im a woman and I rarely finish during sex. But I found that once I took the pressure off myself (and my partner) and just enjoyed it as a fun time, it became less of a big deal for both of us. Maybe sex is about the journey u take together and not reaching the finish line~~~
Also this
I’m sorry to hear that! My advice would be to discuss with your doctor.
Out of curiosity, are you on anxiety or anti-depression meds? They’re notorious for causing sexual issues.
No I’m not on any meds, I’ve seen a doctor. This isn’t unique to my current partner, it’s a emotional/psychological issue.
I literally have the same issue. Trust helpas but not fully. I feel like this is 100% an anxiety issue.
Yup. Which makes me think maybe that's become the safety fall back but idk.
As a female I don’t really know how to help you except to give perspective. I agree with everyone saying to be honest. Use it as an opportunity to be more invested in me, make sure I finish, and maybe even have fun exploring and doing other sexual things besides sex itself. I would really enjoy that as a partner of someone in your situation rather than have them fake something.
Lot of great suggestions here! My SO also has (had?) this problem and he brought it up the first time we were intimate. He had always had a hard time finishing (both solo/with a partner), and he was very apologetic with how long it would take/not finishing. I asked if it was because he didn’t want to finish, or bc previous gfs hadn’t tried hard enough and he just shrugged and said he always stopped them after a while bc he didn’t think it was going to happen and felt bad. Well I wasn’t having any of that 😂 I told him I didn’t care how long it took bc I loved him and wanted him to have a good time and feel good — whether that meant finishing or not. Took him a while to sheepishly admit he would like help finishing lmao. We’ve been dating over a year and now we manage to get him to finish one way or another almost every time. He still rarely finishes from regular (vaginal) sex, and it still takes quite a while but I think we’ve made significant strides! He’s also super sensitive to noise/environment (squeaky bed, roommate in the living room, annoying show on TV, etc.) so we try to eliminate distractions as much as possible. I think it could definitely be a trust & comfort issue if it’s psychological, but like others said maybe a therapist could help identify that for you. Best of luck!
If it’s psychological/emotional it might be worth seeing a therapist to understand the root cause, seeing as how this isn’t unique to your partner. Hope things get better!
I’ll echo everyone else here and say “just be honest”. My ex had this happen and at first it was upsetting to me because I didn’t know why he was having issues - I figured it was a problem with me. Once he told me I didn’t care at all and we just dealt with it. Sometimes he’d finish, sometimes he wouldn’t, but he’d always get me off. And usually the times he wouldn’t finish it would come back around a bit later and he’d finish then.
Rising Star
Have you fully explored all your desires? I’m honestly wondering if there’s something else out there that might do it for you. We’re so programmed to believe that simple love making with a partner is supposed to be the end all. Is there a darker desire that might turn you on? Don’t just dismiss it.
I experience this, and adding my voice to the “talk about it” crowd. I’ll add that some of my partners have been put off by it and others have been totally fine, it all depends on the person and their beliefs and expectations about sex.
Your own self-acceptance of what your body does or doesn’t do is ultimately the most important. An understanding partner can help hold space to support you in that, IF they know what’s going on.
Another vote for seeing a therapist. The men I know with this issue were going through some major depression and the therapy did help.
I think being honest would really help, as long as you say it’s something you’re working on. My husband has had a few issues at times (can’t get hard or finish) and I always assumed it was my fault / I was doing something wrong / he wasn’t attracted to me / etc. You can always just start with “this is awkward / embarrassing but I wanted to be open with you about something , I have this issue etc. “
So glad to hear 🙂