{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "My ex wife with whom I share custody of my 14 year old daughter has a live-in boyfriend who recently lost his mother and has developed a drinking problem. For the second week in a row I’ve had to pick up my daughter from their apartment because they were fighting and screaming at each other. Last time (1:30 AM Friday morning) he had physically assaulted my ex wife and then threatened to kill himself. I thought surely my ex wife would have kicked him out at least and better yet gotten a contd.", "post_id": "617465d483df950034e5bd83", "reply_count": 11, "vote_count": 3, "bowl_id": "5bbbefd16988b7001214b705", "bowl_name": "Unprofessional Topics 🙃" }

My ex wife with whom I share custody of my 14 year old daughter has a live-in boyfriend who recently lost his mother and has developed a drinking problem. For the second week in a row I’ve had to pick up my daughter from their apartment because they were fighting and screaming at each other. Last time (1:30 AM Friday morning) he had physically assaulted my ex wife and then threatened to kill himself. I thought surely my ex wife would have kicked him out at least and better yet gotten a contd.

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restraining order. Instead, she’s going to let him stay with her while he gets therapy, medication, and likely rehab. My daughter already has complex mental health issues and was traumatized so bad last time she had a breakdown and had to be picked up from school Friday morning. Please tell me I’m not crazy for preparing to tell my ex wife my daughter isn’t going back to their apartment unless the boyfriend leaves.

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Definitely need to consult an attorney. You’ve got options, but need to go about it the proper way.

You are not crazy. You will however be crazy if you let your child go through this just to be polite to your ex. But, you should tell your ex you are trying to help her in this situation by taking your child off her hands while she deals with her boyfriend. Don't make her become defensive (by saying anything along the line she is not being a good parent, even if she is), that could make her keep your child just to spite you.

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Just speaking to my experience but as someone who grew up with parents fighting and almost 20 years after divorcing can barely stand to be around each other try to not make Mom the "bad guy" and work together. My parents toxic relationship has always been extremely difficult for me. You also said this boyfriend is recently having these issues so it may not last forever. If you want to propose taking primary care of your daughter say it's just for a short until the boyfriend gets help. Mom should still be able to see daughter and shorter overnights maybe a day or two a week, hopefully the boyfriend can keep it together for a short time each week. I do think it's important to prioritize your child getting out of this bad situation for now but while considering an abrupt change and fragmented relationship with Mom won't be any better for her. Teenager years are already hard enough especially for young women. I hope you can all find a happier balance for everyone.

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With all due respect, this isn’t about making some one the “bad guy”. Ex’s boyfriend doesn’t just have a drinking problem. He’s already had one violent episode. It’s not a safe place. It’s great that he’s getting help and it might be temporary, it also might not be. Violent people tend to continue to be violent.

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You are definitely not crazy. I would make sure you document everything that has happened, and make it clear to your ex that it is about your daughters safety. It isn’t the most pleasant thing, but I would talk to an attorney. Assuming you have a legal custody agreement, you need to make sure you shouldn’t be getting a court order or something for an emergency change in custody.

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I would pull my child out of that situation and go to the court and make sure they stay with you for a period of time. We grew up in a similar situation and my sisters now gravitate towards dirtbags in their mid-20s.

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