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The way I’ve always thought about it is:
- existing friends, go way back, you’re fine with them? Sure
- sudden “new” friend? No not rly cool with it
Chief
Agreed
Rising Star
Literally no correct answer to this question. It’s up to what you guys agree.
Some people ban their SO from having opposite gender friends and some people are in open relationships. So anything goes as long as you both agree and are happy.
I’d talk to her.
Ehh I see no harm butttttt Could easily slip into emotional cheating 🤷🏻♀️ I’d be bothered if my SO was doing this tbh
Had a relationship end because my ex just couldn’t stomach the idea of my having guy best friends (or even guy friends). If nothing had happened between the friend and your SO I don’t think there’s anything to be worried about unless your SO gives you reason to feel uneasy about their friendship.
My stance is that if something were to have happened it would’ve happened already. Keep communicating if you feel uneasy and hopefully your SO can be as transparent as you need.
No big deal. If you don’t trust your partner, then there are bigger issues out there. We all have friendships from before our current relationship.
Chief
I think it’s valid to feel uneasy about the situation but if they’ve never threaten the relationship and you trust your SO, I see no issue. My ex was in fairly regular contact with his last partner and it never bothered me because our boundary was he would tell me when she reached out and always offered to let me read the messages. I took my ex up on that maybe once and I just skimmed through a few messages. I had a lot of trust, knew how he felt about the ex and felt secure in my relationship.
In my opinion, the stance of “I would never say anything” is sort of the silly. If you’re upset you should say something before you go off the deep end about something you see between them. I don’t think it’s a good idea to say anything nuclear (ie “if you keep talking to xxxx, we are done” “it’s them or me”, etc). This type of ultimatum is messy and usually leads to resentment. I would just say you care about the relationship but sometimes you feel insecure about their friendship with xxxx. You trust them but just want to know there’s not feelings between them and the friend has never disrespected their relationship. Also I would say you would appreciate them not mentioning this to the friend because you don’t want it to become a dynamic where the friend thinks you dislike them or something. If they do anything to dismiss your feelings or tell you that you’re off base (or worse, gas light) it’s probably a red flag.
I’ve had a childhood friendship end because their now wife didn’t like us being friends. I took a big step back too because I’m not going to be texting someone in a relationship on a daily basis - that’s not appropriate in my mind.
It’s up to individuals on what’s appropriate but to a degree we rely on friends for emotional support and people of our preferred gender should not be that support if they are in a relationship.
Pro
I think I would wonder why they needed to be texting or sending memes to an old opposite sex friend on a regular basis without also including me. If it's just a "friend" texting thing, then why not include your SO in that friendship ring? Why the need to have close "friend" relationships? I wouldn't expect my SO to ditch all of his old friendship group, but I'd expect to be added to the group, not be the one left outside. And what they text about is also a consideration. Is your SO sharing things you've done and said at home, with his opposite sex texting friend? Are they talking about things and people from the past that you knowing nothing about and have never met? Are they sharing inside jokes that you can't possibly understand? There's a level where a conversation goes from "casual friend" talk to "seriously beyond the boundaries" for someone with a SO.
Talk to him. Tell him how you feel
Chief
I’ve always been pretty liberal (not in the political sense in this context) on this one, and I’ve never been cheated on or anything like that.
IMO, if they have been friends for years, and have a close group of shared friends for years, and (sorry to sound bitchy) the other person is clearly less attractive than you, then you have nothing to worry about.
If these conditions are not met, definitely express your feelings to your partner in a non-confrontational way. Listen to what they say in a discerning way — see if they reveal something in their words they didn’t mean to…trust your gut following the conversation. But try to lead with trust in your partner if things have been great so far.
Rising Star
There is a fine line between boundary and controlling. I think it's fine to feel how you want to feel, and to tell your partner that it makes you uncomfortable/unhappy. If this has been how their friendship has been for years, then I don't think it's an issue. I'm a F and have many guy friends who I send memes to regularly, and I would never date any of them lol.
I would ask yourself why it's bothering you- do you not trust your partner? Does your partner text them so often and then not respond to your texts?
Do you not have friends of the opposite sex?
Do you as a couple have couple friends?
What emotional scars are you protecting - were you cheated on? Did you cheat? Did your parents split due to cheating?
This sounds like you have some unfounded concerns, because if they wanted to be together they would be, and you wouldn’t have ever started dating. So let your partner have friends, male/female/nonbinary/cis/gay/trans/whatever.
Overreacting for sure and that overreaction is a turn off. The line is sexual physical contact. It’s hard enough maintaining friendships as an adult, let’s not make it more complicated .