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Wife is a big L on this one
I disagree. Repeatedly having to give money to someone else because they refuse to do anything to help themselves sounds frustrating. We also don't have a ton context here either... is she "im divorcing you" mad, or "I'm ok with supporting your dad but we need to find another path forward because this is unsustainable and we also have a 2 year old to take care of" mad? How long have they been supporting him? And how much money is it? Tough situation regardless but I think just a blanket statement that the wife is a loser doesn't fit here.
OP, my heart goes out to you. It’s got to be tough also dealing with your wife hassling you about giving him money. My father was an alcoholic and emotionally abusive when I was a kid. I distanced myself from him and after some things happened with my ex wife (that I don’t need to get into), I had completely stopped talking to him for about 2 years. When I separated from my wife, I wanted to reconnect with my dad. He was happy and I was hopeful but three months later he died pretty unexpectedly. It crushed me and made me realize how much I really did love my father regardless of whatever happened between us.
The point I am trying to make is simply that he is your dad. Do what is right for you but don’t forget that he raised you and did in his eyes the best he could, you never know when he might be gone. It’s good of you to help him out but you also need to take care of yourself and your family. I really hope for the best for you, OP.
Enthusiast
I would turn my back on the SO before turning my back on a blood parent. He is your father.
Easy people. These are difficult things. I had a father who had mental issues the last 15-20 years of his sad life. My wife and children always come first - always - but I tried to maintain a relationship with my father and helped him a few times.
Here in Fishbowl, let’s try to be a little more kind. This is a place where we can share some really personal shit. Sometimes it’s the only place we can.
Rising Star
OP, I am sorry to hear this. Please do not turn your back on your dad, he is hurting and needs you more than ever. Your SO needs to understand it’s not a choice between her or him. You are capable of loving each on their own without impacting your financial security.
Visual Storyteller
That's kinda BS.
The dad turned his back on his kid, not the other way around. OP has done MORE than normally should be expected.
Toxic people don't get to just stay in your life because they birthed you. F that notion.
Enthusiast
Your dad sounds depressed. Is he getting mental health help? He needs that above all else. He is not going to get better on his own. Can you speak with his doctors or find some social services to help you?
This situation is not sustainable. I know you want to help him by giving him money but lack of money is just a symptom of a bigger issue. The real issue is his inability to care for himself. He needs professional help to get back on track for that.
Yes this could be it honestly. He thinks too much of himself to the point that he would say no to a "regular" job because he wants to work in corporate world. I've tried to help him but honestly I'm embarrassed because I feel like he will mess it up. I've had 2 jobs and college at 1 point so I have no problem with working and doing what's best for my family
It really hurts me to go to a restaurant and have a fancy dinner knowing that he has no money for basic things but on the other end we've been giving him money here and there since the divorce (my mom as well). Sometimes I block him and sometimes I unblock him. Obviously we don't talk anymore because in the end he blames us anyways. I make around 150K and we have a 2 years old plus student loans so our budget is kinda tight as well. I just wanted to see if any of you have gone thru this and if you have any word of advice.
I understand my wife and I wish I can disagree with her. She's tired of seeing a man that would rather ask us for money than go and get food stamps because he's too embarrassed or thinks too highly of himself. We've helped him with money many times and it's been like this since the divorce where obviously now it got worst.
Chief
I always underestimated how much my parents did for me until I became a parent myself. We probably don’t even remember them wiping our asses and getting kicked in the shins by us.
Your dad may not have been the perfect parent, and I understand both where you and your wife are coming from. I just want to say its heart warming that you think of him and want to help him. You are miles ahead of some of my friends already.
150k isn’t a really bad number. If your wife doesn’t however want you to keep giving him money (which I kinda get), can you help your dad by helping him get state and federal benefits, or finding him a long term shelter or even the nearest Soup Kitchens, Churches, Gurudwaras or Hindu temples? They mostly always have food for those in need.
Thank you very much. We haven't gotten to this point yet but I've told him many times that if he doesn't wake up he will end up on the streets. It's sad because he's very good in maintenance/ paintings and it doesn't look like we are too far away from shelters.
Enthusiast
What would your wife do if her father/mother were in the same situation ?
He’s your father and blood family do not give up on him
Ask yourself if you’re helping or enabling. The biggest problem here is there is no path to change; so your dad is always going to be in this situation. You can
1) agree with your spouse limits on money you are willing to give, essentially to assuage your own conscience
2) focus on encouraging him to deal with whatever attitudes and/or mental health issues are holding him back; knowing your impact will likely be limited and you’ll be exposing yourself to his derision
3) some combination of the above
Your dad needs to go and try to get some sort of job, any job. even if it is $15/hr. Literally, beggars can't be choosers. I understand it's your dad and you love him, but this isn't sustainable for you and it's not healthy for your dad. I wouldn't give him help until he attempts to help himself first.
Enthusiast
Spend time with your dad—invite him to family outings, talk about things with him as if you were talking with a friend. He needs connection more than he needs money. He needs someone to cheer him on when he earned his degree. At his age, finishing an actuary degree is incredible so there’s still some fight left in him.
My heart hurt reading this post, you sound like an amazing son—but reach out and build connection with him. Does he have hobbies? Do them together. Tell him how his sacrifices made your life possible and you need him to find joy bc you love him. Parents need to hear these things too…it’s not just money he desperately needs.
Rising Star
OP, does he have any computer skills like data entry? You can get him to work from home while he finds his footing.
Rising Star
M1, i would be happy to help! Let me drop you a dm and i will send any data entry jobs i come across.
Enthusiast
I 100% understand - I've been providing support to my father since I got my first job in highschool.
He has vices, and so it's a careful balance between making sure he has just enough to not waste it, but not too little that he can't survive.
For everyone saying you should support him no water what at any amount, I'd say many haven't dealt with a problematic parent. Just find a careful balance that still allows you to live your own life, maybe that's a lot of help or barely any, it's a very circumstancial decision.
I am so sorry you're going through this, OP. Please help him with whatever you can whenever you can, but not at the detriment of your immediate family. Whenever you are unable to provide financial support, provide words of encouragement and upliftment. Don't feel bad about the extent to which you can help. You are doing the right thing and your heart is in the right place. I pray things get better for you and your family. I pray for more patience, love, and understanding from all the parties involved.
Chief
It sounds like your wife might be more concerned about your family’s finances, especially as she is trying to start her business. If he isn’t seeking help, you might want to ask whether you are enabling him. Either way, it’s a bad plan to hide financial things from your wife - you are supposed to be a team.
Agree 100%. In some cultures it’s much more normal and expected to give money to parents and other relatives. I think that’s driving at least some of the advice here. But if that’s not you (and your wife) then you’re asking for a lot of marital trouble here.
I think if it’s really important to you to give some money so you don’t feel like he’s starving, discuss that with your wife and set a limit same as you would for any discretionary spending you want to do.
The same happened to someone I know. Mindset is the most important in my opinion. He went to school for actuary, never had work experience as a student, and spent 3 years unemployed trying to find the perfect corporate job after graduating.
After 3 years I convinced him at he needed to become more "employable" so he started a small job and slowly became a more competitive candidate. First worked a physical handling job in a store, then call center for bank, then become supervisor at call center, actuary analyst, and now actuary xyz (not sure the exact term). Took 8 years (3 unemployed + 5 working) but he finally got the job he wanted.
They need to have a clear idea of how competitive their resume is. If it's not good enough, then they need to perhaps do some networking, continue learning, engage with the community, do similar area jobs. A degree is not worth much on its own.
Enthusiast
He’s blaming you for what?
Chief
He got a degree in actuary? That's incredible and still amazing that he did that two years ago. That required some determination.
Has he looked into taking the exams? You either need to check up on him and be there with him to motivate him. That can go a long way. Sometimes when you have someone else believing in you or you can see a light at the end of the tunnel, that can help. That's kind of how my peers and I motivate one another.
Chief
Personally, I feel that maybe if you checked in everyday, it could help? My colleagues checked in on me everyday when I asked so I could pass my licensing exams. Some days I would ignore them, but they were persistent 😅 which really helped.
I understand he may be going through a lot of other issues, possible depression, loneliness, grief. But sometimes when one aspect of your life is improving, you can get better. For me, when I started working out more, my life improved in other aspects as well. More confidence. More focus on my tasks. Which allowed me to see a pathway for other opportunities and a light at the end of the tunnel. It builds momentum.
Did your father contribute in your well being when you were a toddler/kid? Did he play with you? Did he spend time with you as a kid? Did he support you in your education journey? If the answer is yes, then it’s payback time. Try putting yourself in his place and ask yourself if he would’ve supported you or not. If the answer is yes again, then all the more reason for you to help him in whatever way you can.
Visual Storyteller
Another stupid take.
Being a parent doesn't mean you get to leach off your kids later and make them fucking suffer.
I'd rather die in a ditch than to ever put my kids through suffering because of something I caused.