Here is my story: In 2021, I ended a situationship and went through depression and eating disorders because of the breakup. In 2022, I focused on my health and career. From 2023, I was trying to find a partner through dating apps and attending speed dating events. Dating had its ups and downs. Finally, I met someone through mutual friends. After New Year, he asked if I wanted to be exclusive, and I agreed. The relationship is not perfect, but it works. I am still anxious. Cont'd.

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Posting as :
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“Worried about wasting time” - I think this is something women uniquely feel but it’s honestly one of the most destructive concepts. If you feel like a partnership is adding value to your life at any given stage, then it isn’t wasted time. If you’re only “putting in work” to try to inevitably get to another outcome (eg marriage) with no thought to the current state, then you are the source of wasting time

likehelpful

Thank you so much, VP1. The man also wants to settle down by 2026. We are on the same page, that's the reason I said yes to exclusivity.

We have to date with intentions, right?

I get your point. If it the relationship doesn't work out, it's not a waste of time. I will try to focus on the present.

smart

Cont’d here. I have a few worries

1. If the relationship doesn’t work out, I am worried that I would have wasted my time. I am 32F now and it may be more difficult to find a partner in the future

2. I feel anxious that he might break up with me.

3. I worry that my anxiety could get in my own way and negatively affect the relationship.

I go to therapy, I work out, and I have a very few friends, so I do have a life outside dating and relationships.

How can I handle anxiety and uncertainty?
Any advice?

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What scares you so much about not being in a romantic relationship? Whatever is driving that fear is what you need to face and work through. Best of luck.

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C1, I am happy. He doesn't have any deal breakers yet. I don't believe in feeling butterflies in the stomach.

We are like two imperfect people trying to see a future together. Both of us put in efforts to make the relationship work

Please define "settle down". 2026 is now. Are you both on the same page about having kids? My wife was almost 30 when we met, and we both were not into having kids. A few years later, all her younger work colleagues were having babies, and she got baby fever.

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We have two kids in college ( and 3 cats).

You should be feeling a lot more enthusiastic about a relationship, beyond “it works.” If this person isn’t adding value to your life, move on. You don’t have to be in a relationship to have a happy and fulfilling life

I am content with the relationship. What works well is the communication. If something bothers me, I tell him and he makes an effort to change. If something bothers him, he tells me and I try to change.

If something can’t be changed, we try to meet each midway. Ofcourse, the relationship is not like a rom-com movie.

A bonus is that I knew what I was getting into even while we were casually dating. He didn’t sugarcoat his words or set unrealistic expectations. I’ve experienced love-bombing and ghosting before. This connection feels different.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this person?

What does settle down mean to you and what have you discussed e.g., when will you move in together, when (or will) you get married, how will finances work, what year do you want kids and how many?

Those questions were ones my (now) wife and I had to discuss at some point and I’d recommend you do the same. Obviously if you haven’t already discussed these I wouldn’t try to tackle it all at once, it’s a lot.

Thank you, I will talk to him about this

Talk to them, not the therapist. Personal experience. Being open and talking about life goals etc is important. Openness and honesty is important

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