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You need to move. You can’t be their therapist. I hate when my parents involve me in their drama. It’s so draining and puts me off dating. Leave
Pro
The whole point of living on your own is not having to deal with that BS.
You can’t help those who don’t want to be helped or those who aren’t honest with themselves. So until those obstacles are overcome, there isn’t much you can do.
I came here to say exactly this
I’ve been in a similar situation and trust me it doesn’t turn out well for you. You have to completely remove yourself from the middle. Refuse to engage, talk about one to the other, don’t make any recommendations. I get if you want to live at home for a bit to save money but I would save like crazy and set a move out date. But draw boundaries and don’t allow them to be crossed
Visual Storyteller
Before you leave just make sure you’ve taken full advantage of being at home by saving at least 40k. If you’re living at home and not taking advantage of this then you’re passing up on the opportunity to get ahead
The money won’t be an issue. I can afford to move out right now, but I feel guilted to do so and leave behind my other family members who reside with us
It’s rough, OP. I hope you’re saving as much as you can, making this situation worth it. Not having to pay rent is a huge help when you have a grown-up income.
My best advice is to make plans. Maybe you’re moving out in a few months, maybe you’re moving out when you have the down payment for a house, maybe you’re moving out simply when you’ve built up a nest egg.
Until then, try not to get too involved. Maybe get a white noise machine.
Pro
After having my coffee I think it’s possible OP you may be keeping them together (not necessarily your counseling, but the fact that you are living with them) when the natural thing they need to do is split. Admittedly this is just an unqualified theory and needs a tremendous amount of context to actually prove out. At the end of the day, my rec is definitely to move out
I also have 2 more siblings + a grandparent living with us (whom I’d worry about and feel sad for) so they have no choice but to stay unfortunately
Ooof get out if you're financially able to. There's no reason to stay or feel bad for leaving. You're an adult. I lived at home until I was 26 while WFH, but my situation was different. However, don't let the fear of ehat may happen impact your choice. Worrying about it will only drag this out longer and you don't want to take it out on your parents and have them turn their anger towards you.
It may just be better to bow out before it really gets messy.
Super sorry this is happening to you though and I hope it gets better soon!
Speaking as an only child that grew up in a position where I had to mediate for my parents when there were issues….
Examine why you live with your parents in the first place. Is it cultural expectations to be there? Or is it to save money to pay off college early? Or were you part of the wave of young people who moved back home when everything shut down so it made no sense to pay high rent in a city if you weren’t actually able to experience bc of the shut downs? Or is it bc you committed to your parents that you’d help with the grandparent and siblings still living at home?
If your reason is ANYTHING financially related you honestly can’t beat the advantages of living at home as it will literally change the course of your future. Being able to eliminate a massive amount of debt early or save for a mortgage down payment means you can begin to build generational wealth. Think about what is going to happen when your parents will need caretaking and the financial impact of that - piled on top of paying for a mortgage, saving for your own retirement, raising kids (if you choose to do so), etc.
My recommendation is to working out of the house - coffee shops, libraries, inexpensive shared work spaces etc. - as often as you can to keep your sanity. Start untangling yourself from being your parents’ at-home therapist - this is an unfair position to be in and you are not trained to do so. Plus, your well meaning attempt to patch their issues up with bubble gum and tape may only be enabling this situation further. Be transparent with them that their situation is toxic for everyone in the household. Tell them that you love them but it’s not healthy for a child to mediate their parents, that they need to seriously increase their commitment to therapy or determine other options, and that you’ll not be talking about their problems with them either separately or together. If they’re really fighting every day then they each should be going to individual therapy as well as couples therapy to work on the situation. If they refuse to do so and refuse to accept your boundaries then when you move out you should specifically reference that the situation is unsustainable and you have to move out for your own sanity as well as be able to have a safe space for your siblings to momentarily escape to when things between your parents get particularly bad.
Save, save, save and as soon as you can put a down payment to get a little condo then do it and get out of there.
Enthusiast
You should move out. It isn't your place to mediate their marriage. They shouldn't involve you.
Please make plans to move out as soon as reasonably possible.
My parents are also like this, and I lived at home last year when I was 23. I moved out, and their relationship seem to have gotten better at times, but worse at other times. Felt bad for leaving initially, but now I can actually focus on myself, figuring out what I want in life and who I am, which is super important at this age. Gotta help yourself first cuz if you don’t, who else will?