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Dear 6am calls, I dont 💕 you. 🥹
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I mean this in a kind way but this is none of your business.
Yep. This.
Didn’t realize getting laid off was a minor inconvenience 🧐
Pro
You already did with an R^2 of zero.
Both of my siblings are like this with my parents. I was upset for a long time (eldest daughter probs) but worked with a therapist who told me you can’t control adults, you can’t protect adults. They will make their own choices
I really appreciate this point of view. I have a sister who I often feel takes advantage of my parents. Not necessarily financially, but by asking for favors or using them for childcare. Ultimately though, it’s their decision to help and it’s up to them to set boundaries.
Continued… him to be able to enjoy his life. I’ve tried communicating this to my sister, but she doesn’t see it the way I do and my dad is in denial. he claims to not support her that much but she’s in our childhood home almost every single weekend eating meals for free, does her grocery shopping from our refrigerator and doesn’t pay all of her bills without his support. my dad definitely does well, but has given to us so much throughout the course of his whole life. I really want us to not be his responsibility anymore and allow him to enjoy life. Not sure what to do to get my sister off his back
Enthusiast
Wow so she makes your aging dad do extra shopping essentially. Maybe have her live at home at that point and pay for half the groceries and utilities. Maybe that’s $700 for her a month, less than rent. Your dad gets company as he ages. Win win
Rising Star
Ayyyy we got the same sister? My sister AND her husband moved in with my parents because they wanted to have a kid and couldn’t afford to live where they were. After about a year with them (and getting pregnant) my parents bought her a house because my dad didn’t want them there and having my mom raising their child.
Loool glad it’s not just me. Both sibs have received multiple houses and are college dropouts. I’m like damn I shouldn’t have been so independent I’m still renting…
Maybe your dad enjoys helping his kids? Maybe he’s worked hard his entire life to be able to support in these exact instances? And if it’s not jeopardizing his future, then why does it matter? If it is, are you able to financially help?
Ultimately, you’re in a family and this stuff happens. If it bothers you, then talk to your dad / sister. If they are both good with the arrangement, then might be best to stay out of it.
It does alter his future. He barely has money saved because he’s paid for our colleges, cars, grad school etc. I can financially help but don’t want to enable the same mistakes she continues to make
OP this is really tough but it is ultimately up to your father. While not easy to accept, it’s in a way freeing because you can’t really do too much there. You can talk to them but they are both adults.
There is another post I saw where all these adults are encouraging other adults to move in with their parents to live rent free. It’s wild. So it’s really interesting to see another side of it, more so from your/your dad’s perspective
Thanks BCG1. Yeah it’s just mind boggling to me that she can’t launch and be independent with a PHD and all the support we’ve gotten leading up to now. I lost my mother when I was younger and just want my dad to live his best life because you never know when it’ll be taken from you.
I feel your pain. My sister is 38, lives with my parents still, quits almost every job after 6 months because she swears the boss, or the environment or her coworkers are "toxic" (yes, all of them, all the time) and my parents pay the majority of her bills.
I actually tried to talk to my parents about this and they downplay it, too. Granted, they live in one of the most expensive areas of the country, but still. It's an enabling relationship. She doesn't have friends, barely leaves the house... it's sad.
(Honestly I didn't think I'd end up the well adjusted one with a husband and a job and a life... go figure!)
If this is really about your dad - spend more time with him, buy him nice things that he’d like, help him run errands, save money that you can later gift him in retirement.
I’ll also add that most people get very small stipends during the PhD and just because you have one doesn’t guarantee a high paying job. I did a stem PhD for five years living in nyc and the stipend was something like $30K to cover housing and all living expenses…although I made a lot more once I graduated, I had plenty of classmates that went on to do post docs making not much more so context matters. My parents shipped me stuff all the time that they thought I’d need and I really appreciated that.
Also this post reminded me that both my husband and I are still on our parents’ cell phone plans… 😂
I do some of those things but tough to try to help him retire when I’m still entry level rn
Enthusiast
I have a similar (not the same but relatable) issue in my family. BUT- I think the trade off is that sometimes parents enjoy seeing their kids more or helping them enough that they don’t mind. I agree with the tough love approach to encourage growth and not be enabling- but I’m not a parent so I probably can’t relate to how parents feel when one of their kids isn’t flourishing.
Unfortunately this seems to be quite common(?). In both my close family and in my partners distant family, adults who have put themselves in a bad financial situation due to poor planning, poor decisions, overspending etc have gotten a lot of financial help from the parents. Meanwhile, siblings who have fought to get in a good financial position have not recieved any financial help and get to hear the parents say that they pity the other sibling and that they must help them.
After high school I had very bad jobs for about 4 years. The salary was so low that I couldnt save anything and I hated my jobs and my life. I also studied for one year and got student loans but quit. I never asked my parents for money even though I was struggling. Then I studied to become a lawyer for 5 years (its free to study in my country) and got huge student loans. I have worked very hard at my job as a lawyer and chosen not to have any kids. Even though my salary is ok now, I have student loans and a large house loan.
My younger brother however became a welder in high school and didnt go to college. He has no student loans and have worked/had a good income for 6 years more than me (minus him being 2 years younger). His salary was higher than mine the first two years I worked as a lawyer. He has put himself in a situation with a huge house loan because he and his wife "had to" buy a house by the sea + 2 kids + he keeps spending money on renovations that are not needed. My parents support him financially and it makes me so annoyed because I feel like he never learns from his mistakes - they keep enabeling him to do stupid purchases etc while they could use the money a lot better themselves. I'm not saying that they should give the money to me (although I would have as much use of them as my brother, which they dont understand), but on themselves.
In my partners family, his fathers brother + kids went to his grandmother to collect money (thats what they called it) that they gambeled away and when she died she didnt have any money left. She also gave them money because she pitied them, when it was really their own bad decisions who put them in a financial strain.
I mean she just completed Phd and has only been working for 2 years.. you don’t get paid much during phd, and layoffs are out of your control.. is she living at your parents house full time? Doesn’t sound like it.. You seem to have been working for a while, whereas she just started working. You need yo back off and give her some slack.. your sister seems to be atleat a few years behind you career wise and hence probably doesn’t have enough financial stability yet. If she chose to do a phd she is not a bum..
Also I come from an Asian background where living with Parents is 💯 normal and mostly the norm. My parents would never ask me for rent if I choose to stay at my childhood home (cue: thats my home too!). I get it if she was a bum and didn’t put any efforts but thats not the case. You don’t sound like a supportive sibling
There are a lot of assumptions in this response. She makes 6 figures, she isn’t getting laid off, she’s getting fired for negligence and she’s been making 6 figures + for over 2 years now, after my father supported her through her whole under grad and PHD (spending money included). I’m not that far into my career but just do what I can to make sure I don’t require support from anyone and it’s frustrating to see my dad work as hard as he does and not have enough for himself to retire