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Anybody on Trintellix? Thoughts ?
Me: Today will be a great day
My anxiety:
I’m sick of living in NYC but can’t go anywhere.
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I think if both partners aren’t deeply committed to improving themselves AND the relationship, it’s time to go. It’s like, you have yourself, she has herself, then there’s this third entity: your combined lives. Each person has to be moving themselves AND half of the third entity along, nurturing it, caring for it, etc. It’s a lot of work and not everyone is ready for it, which is okay, but not fair to the other person.
But I just don’t feel happy... it feels like she is putting no effort into the relationship. I am also more goal and career oriented, and she is an artist and worked 3 days in 2019 so far. She’s 34 and her mom helps her with money. Yet, she does nothing or gets distracted, and she wakes up at 2-4pm everyday. I tried to help her, but it’s too much, and she needs too much attention. Yet I don’t feel love or care from her side. I know in theory she loves me like I live her, but... I just don’t know. Feels like a dead end.
Also, we don’t live together, or share finances etc, so breaking up would be very easy.
I’d caution against looking for signs outside of yourself, or based on other people’s opinions of what those signs should be. Because it’s going to be different for everyone. Try talking to her; it’s possible she’s going through something right now and it’s causing distance. But more than anything, trust your intuition and don’t base your decision on the advice of those who don’t have to deal with the outcome. Good luck ✌️
I’be also been dealing with a similar situation. I started dating my partner when I was 27 and just starting ad school. I’m 33 now and we just recently called it quits after about a year of dragging it out. I really love him and have been going to therapy for about the last year and have been realizing that I probably knew it was time to let go but for reasons much like yours I held on. I even started to distrust my own opinions and self. The advice I would give you is to be confident that you know yourself and you know what you want and if someone isn’t/can’t give you what you need you have to let go. It hurts. It sucks. But. It’s the truth.
AD, feel free to personally message me if you wish to talk more.
I had a similar issue as yourself. I am near the end of a relationship where we first talked in 2013 and dated in 2014. Longest relationship for the two of us at 5-1/2 years.
My situation was a little different since my SO had a chronic illness, but we were two completely different people. I’d wake up at 6 to go to work and she’d wake up at 12, or sometimes 2 pm. When I’d come home she’d be out with friends or I’d come home tired and just want to eat, chat, and watch a show together or play a game. I’d go to bed at 10 and she’d be up until the late night.
I took care of all her financial needs, but she didn’t want to know anything about the finances and when I told her we were overspending she’d call me cheap or say I was exaggerating.
I’m now 35 and I guess we two were afraid of being alone, but you have to know when to move on. Talk with her, lay out why you’re not happy and see what she thinks the status of the relationship is. Then lay out clear expectations of wha you have in mind for the relationship and set goals together. If she’s not willing to improve then you may just have to move on my friend.
Thank you everyone. I decided to break up, or take a break. I guess it’s the right decision, at least for now. I don’t want to lose myself.
Trust that you'll be alright and you will find someone better for you. The loneliness will suck and it may be hard to get off the couch, but try to put yourself out there.
Have you voiced your concerns with her? If so, it already sounds like you’ve made quite a good case to move on, friend.
Talk to her. If you're unhappy and she's not willing to change, then it's best for both of you to find the right person for each other. Sometimes two people grow apart.
The thing is I constantly talk and open up, she never does, if I say anything that is a concern or talk about how I feel she makes it about her and then I feel guilty about not being happy and telling her. And she keeps shutting me off. I haven’t seen her for 9 days now and don’t really miss her, but then again I have been working without days off for last 9 days.
I was single for most of my 30s. You have to learn to love yourself and be content with your own company. Maybe what you’re scared of isn’t being alone, it’s being by yourself because you haven’t figured out who you really are. You don’t “need” a partner if you’re content and confident with yourself.