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It’s certainly a challenge. If a deal I’m on is especially busy or stressful, I struggle to get out from under “the cloud.” I’d say 10% of the time, that’s just the job, and I’ve found the best thing to do is to accept that I’ve chosen a career that will sometimes loom over my home life, recognize that there are other perks to the job that make it worthwhile, and make peace with the fact that I’ll be mentally and emotionally compromised at times. I remind myself that this is true for other professions, and forgive myself for not being in absolute control over how the job—at its worst—affects me.
That said, I take form your question that you are probably asking about that other 90% of the time—when you might have to log back on for a couple hours after the kids go to bed, but during which you otherwise actually have the time and attention to spare. If that’s right, I have a few suggestions, none of which are perfect, and some of which are hard to stick to, but all of which I’ve found have, on balance, made me a better husband and father.
First, I try to put myself in a place when I leave the office that I will have some breathing room when I get home. If I have another 30 minutes on a mark-up but it’s approaching the time I usually leave, I will stay until I get it out the door. I am more efficient at the office and spending the extra time puts the ball in someone else’s court, even if for a few hours. It sometimes means I have less time at home with them, but it ensures that it’s quality time.
Second, unless I am expecting a call or a time-sensitive e-mail, I will put my phone away for the first hour I am home, on silent, in another room. This ensures I am able to settle in without interruption. I’ll check my phone before getting out of the car (only responding to absolutely critical times), but then it goes away and the clock starts. About an hour later, I’ll check it, but won’t engage unless absolutely necessary. I’ll monitor at appropriate intervals under the circumstances until the kids are down.
Third, if I do receive an email or call that requires immediate action, I always try to get away from communal spaces (living room, kitchen, etc.). We are fortunate to have an office, and that is the ONLY place I will work, unless it’s an e-mail no more than a couple sentences. Your brain will subconsciously associate the physical spaces in which you work with the thoughts and feelings of work. This is why you should never work/take conference calls from bed. For my kids, I’ve found that divided attention is worse than no attention. They don’t understand why I have to work, only that a computer or phone seems more important than they are.
Finally, I make it a priority to communicate with my teams about the above, my schedule, and my priorities. As an associate, my obligations are to my employer as such. I like my coworkers and the partners I work for, but I do this job to provide financial stability and benefits for my family. It didn’t start off that way, but having kids changed that. If the job ever undermined my ability to meet some minimal threshold of fatherhood, I would leave. I am not on reduced hours, but I look for flexibility everywhere I can find it, and don’t feel ashamed about that.
Responsibilities change and careers are long. It is an especially critical time in my kids’ lives, so I am especially engaged at home, but once they’re older (and have later bedtimes), priorities will shift again. For now, though, I do my best to follow these rules to get as much time as possible that isn’t tainted, interrupted or distracted by my work. It doesn’t always happen, but I have found it leads to the best possible outcome for me and my family (as well as my work).
This is an amazing reply. Thank you for taking time to share!
Great question I hope you get a lot of responses.
I’d say talk to your wife first and see what she’s cool with. I’ve told her I need about 15 minutes of no questions or conversation after I get home. I give her a big long hug (go for ten seconds), hug my son (2) and kiss my daughter (7mo) and go change out of work clothes immediately. My son follows and tells me about his day and I describe what I’m doing to help him learn and try to let him help with boots and tie and little things so he’s getting interaction. Then I let him know I need to use the restroom and send him out to the main area and I take a few minutes to scroll the news, check on Facebook and Instagram to catch up on family and friends and then I join everyone.
Checking social media and the news helps give me things to talk about with my wife other than work and really helps me get into a more normal person mode as opposed to lawyer mode.
Good luck and hope you get some more responses or at least that these help some
I have a 6 and 1.5. On the days I get the chance to pick my kids up from school and daycare I turn off the radio and just talk with them, usually about their day. Of course the younger is still not fully talking but he gets in on the conversation. That helps with the transition from disconnecting from technology. I have a work and personal phone, both go on away the moment I walk in the door with them. If the work one goes off, I check it and if it’s urgent I’ll respond if not I just put it right back down. I help the 6 year old with any homework needed while multitasking with the younger, it’s tough but not impossible. While they have dinner, I either make sure to eat with them or sit at the table and just continue having conversations and joking with them. Some free play time and I handle bathing and bedtime. This profession takes a lot of time and energy from me, so when I get home I muster all the rest of my energy and all the time I get and focus it on the kids. Disconnecting is legitimately the best thing to help with this. I’m a first year at an insurance defense firm with a military background so I’m used to being tired most days. Hope this helps!
I have found a longer commute really helps me. It gives me time to decompress and keep work at work. It also helps me not to bring work projects home. If I have extra work to do, I go in early or work through lunch at the office. Bringing work home just keeps the “work door” open in my mind, so the physical separation of home and office has helped with the mental separation as well.
I like this answer. But I find it a bit odd. For me, a longer commute means I am bringing work on the train with me. And “working through lunch” is not a thing for me because there is no “lunch” other than the 5-10 minutes it takes me to grab a salad that I can eat while I continue working.
As a mom of 4... I feel this post and I have four words for you: JORDAN PAGE’s BLOCK SCHEDULE. This mom’preneur (with a whole tribe of kids) is changing my life!! Check out her video here: https://youtu.be/2BKuSlstIBM