A coworker of mine (after seeing me for the first time on Zoom) told me that my appearance caught them off guard. Apparently for the last few months they thought my melanin count was much higher because I “sound black” on the phone. Their words, not mine. They seemed so disappointed and I can’t help but feel like they are being extremely short with me now when I try to initiate conversation. Virtually, of course. Do I address it? Do I leave it alone? My coworker is black. I am not.

likefunny
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Are you sure you are not reading more in to it? Maybe they were more comfortable with you before because they thought you had that connection to them. Maybe just allow eachother some time get to know each other again and be patient. 🤷🏻‍♂️

likesmartfunny

Seeing a lot of micro-aggressions in the comments

likefunny

What Op is describing is how 3/4 of the people I interact with behave on any given day, based on their mood or whether or not they are having a shit day regardless of complexion.

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I agree, it was crass for them to say that out loud. It just wasn't necessary. As a black person, I do understand the excitement to have another black person in the workplace because it feels familiar but I'd never be standoffish toward someone because they are not black.

likehelpful

I mean, what would you say? How would you spark a conversation up like that? In reference to addressing their possible disappointment? (Genuinely curious).

likefunny

Sorry this is happening to you. I can somewhat relate. I need to have a tough conversation but the last time I even addressed an issue I was gaslight. It’s just a tough spot.

Humor goes a long way, as someone that is taken for more multicultural than I am when I used to go outside. Who hasn't taken someone for being taller, more blonde or brunette or someone that looks a little more like yourself, because ultimately you like them? I personally take it as a compliment. Let your co worker know how your paleness plagues you, laughs all around. Let them get over the shock of how reflective you are.

likefunny

Document everything. You are being discriminated against on the basis of race. Despite the suggestions from others that you dismiss it, know that you are protected from different treatment at work on the basis of your race, whether you are white or black. The statement that you "sounded black," combined with the change in their treatment towards you, points to discrimination. I was discriminated against in the workplace by a black senior administrator who felt that white males were not members of a protected class. Therefore, they believed white males could not be subjected to discrimination, so anything goes. They were wrong and were silently shown the door. The EEOC clearly states that white is a race and male is a gender when it comes to federal anti-discrimination laws. Realize that your coworker is no,t your friend and focus on your job. You can’t control what others do but you can control how you respond. If your coworker's behavior gets worse, file a complaint against them with your employer or the EEOC for discrimination. Don't tolerate discrimination in the workplaceand don't try to be friends with bigots.

likehelpful

Update: Turns out it was my southern accent?

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Context: do you use AAVE in casual conversation? Do you make any comments or statements that could be seen as more appropriate from within an ethnic group and less appropriate from outside? If at all possible, I can understand that they may be feeling betrayed and hurt.

As an Asian, it’s a different conversation for me if someone tells me they like Asian food based on if they grew up eating it or not. It’s not harmful either way, and everyone is free to enjoy it and I hope they do- but one is a shared conversation on culture and how we grew up, and another is simply expressing an appreciation. In the worst scenario, it CAN feel like someone was singling out my background as one might wonder whether you really love my food, or if you’re trying to connect based on one thing you see and assume about me. If I found out our shared conversations were not coming from the same place as I thought, I may be a little hurt. This same kind of feeling can come from sharing the floor on behalf of inclusion, with someone you thought was marginalized and isn’t.

If you had a good relationship with this person I’d laugh it off, apologize for any miscommunication, and let them know you’re an ally.

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If you’re a guy don’t sweat it please. Take it as a compliment that you have some “soul” in your voice. Maybe you can join the cookout on account of your voice lol.

There will be something else down the line where you two can connect on.

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The flip side of this is that you could be the problem and they were giving you a pass because they thought you were black. Always good practice to be more introspective first then look outward.

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