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Background - divorced 18 months ago after 18 years married to a narcissist (didn’t recognize it as such until after we split). It started off she was clingy and controlling. Isolated me from my friends and monopolized all of my time. Would call me repeatedly at work or on my cell until I picked up whenever she needed something. Was never supportive of or even allowed me to talk about my career with her. She didn’t associate the hours I was working with the money I was making, but only time away from her and, later, our kids. She stopped work against my wishes to stay home with the kids but was never fulfilled as a mother and in hindsight was rather neglectful if the kids (my youngest has severe cognitive deficits and a mental illness partially as a result of this neglect). I developed a bipolar disorder (Bipolar II) and again received zero support or empathy from her. Was very much suicidal near the end of our marriage. She had been cheating on me for 5 years and was found out by my oldest daughter who suspected for about a year before getting hold of my exes cell phone and outing her to me. Messed. Up. Anyway fast forward 18 months and I was symptom free until a potential custody issue sent me into a manic relapse (I didn’t sleep for about 5 days before calling my psychiatrist to get on some heavy tranquilizers). Much better now. Finally learned to deflect and disconnect emotionally from my ex. Kids are learning the same. It’s a long and tough road.
I’m nowhere close to being ready to date again. Like you I fear falling into the same traps again. Working with a therapist to get through these issues.
I wish you the best.
Continued: I also know that I am codependent. With this realizations and self reflection, I have been able to make changes in my life for the better, can compartmentalize when I’m feeling depressed and prioritize my needs. However, because I now know the red flags to look for, I’ve gotten into a relationship with an AMAZING person. I mean… he is just absolutely the best. He is so supportive, has seen me at my worst, and runs toward me, not away, when I need him at my lowest, even when I’m not so good to him due to my past traumas. That being said, I feel like I almost have “imposter syndrome” with him. I’m so used to being the “giver” in the relationship and I know I’m not in this one. He gives so much. I also realize that my past traumas have led me to make mistakes in this relationship that I’m ashamed of. This weekend, he messed up, just slightly. It really was not a huge deal and I told him I couldn’t settle, we needed to break up and he should leave in the morning (we had been drinking so I didn’t want him driving home). That night my anxiety kept me up and I looked in his phone. I used to do this with my ex because I KNEW he was hiding things from me. I didn’t even feel bad about it. But with my new guy, I KNOW he isn’t hiding things from me. I just stepped so far back and I’m so ashamed. I just feel like I’m conditioned at this point to be defensive and run because I don’t want to get hurt again. We spoke for over two hours the morning after and I explained that everything I said had absolutely nothing to do with him and everything to do with me. I have trust issues based on my past and I’m just generally effed up. But I didn’t tell him I looked in his phone. If I think I would do it again, I’d tell him. But I literally found NOTHING because he is so good to me. I don’t even know what I was looking for… but I feel so guilty and just bleh. Can someone just provide some honest feedback and perspective if you’ve been in a similar situation or have any insight? I’d really appreciate it…
Are u me??? Very similar story. I’ll respond more fully later.
I appreciate you taking the time when you have it. Thank you!!
I fear I’m currently in a situation like this but am unsure how to get out. I’m in a relationship with someone who is narcissistic and has anger management issues (I suspect they are bipolar). We’ve moved in together and they keep talking about proposing. I too have issues with codependency and anxiety due to past trauma. I’m beginning to realize that the amazing parts of our relationship may not be worth the bad times and anxiety it causes me. I feel foolish for things getting this far and the fact that I’ve ignored so many clear red flags. I’m not sure how to fix this or get out of it honestly. I love them very much and this entire situation just sucks.
I feel for you. As someone who suffers from a bipolar disorder, though, don’t mistake cruelty and manipulation for anger management issues. That’s not what bipolar does. Nor does bipolar mean someone’s moods change quickly. Mine can change over weeks, months, and even years. Really has more to do with energy levels and optimism versus pessimism etc. When I’m manic, all of my emotions are very strong. This would include anger but also love, compassion, and empathy. Bipolar doesn’t change who I am, more the lense through which I project if that makes sense. When I’m depressed I don’t feel much of anything and when I do it’s more likely despair or hopelessness.
All of this to say if your SO is not treating you fairly, that’s on them and can’t necessarily blame mental illness entirely. I’ll also say if I had to do it all over again I would have recognized the narcissist in my ex wife much sooner and extricated myself from the situation. She got worse not better with age and time. Choose wisely.
As the post-trauma partner in this situation, i would say run as soon as you realize it’s a toxic situation. And definitely seek therapy to help unlearn the survival behaviors that you’ve picked up.
My partner (the one who was abused) has a lot of different issues, some expected and also odd quirks specific to their situation, and it honestly made and still makes me feel a little insane/gaslit until we tease out the real cause of the problem which is the trauma of an abusive relationship. I’m blessed that they are already very self aware but that doesn’t stop them from being overwhelmed sometimes (from emotion, stress, automatic responses etc) and unfortunately displaying that behavior towards me. I love my partner and would hate to leave them, but i honestly would have if they didn’t recognize and agree that they needed professional help. We were getting to the point where it would have been unhealthy and toxic for me to stay with them. It took a lot of pushing to get them to agree to therapy but it has been quite the game changer and although progress is slow, it is tangible. As long as we’re both willing to put in the work (healthy patience from me, hard work with therapist from them), i think we can make it. And never be ashamed to take meds if needed. Your brain is an organ, and abuse is trauma that can cause damage. I know meds can be easy to overprescribe, but medicines are meant to help your organs recover and work properly, so please allow your brain a fair chance.
Wishing everyone the best!
This is also me. I’m sorry you’re going through this hard time. I have major anxiety generally and major relationship anxiety. I am very needy and question everything. Unfortunately , I haven’t found anything that has helped me so far so I cannot help:/ I would say going to therapy was making me feel a bit better and making me understand that what I am doing is totally not okay. If you want to chat, feel free to dm me.