I have provided feedback to my coworker on how his subtle sexist behaviour affected me. As a result, we have had a mediation session. We have achieved an agreement, but I am having second thoughts.

He admitted that he understands how his actions impacted me. He said he didn’t mean it and I believe him. But he adamantly refuses to acknowledge that he may have any unconscious bias. He never apologised to me for how those actions impacted me.

likefunny
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The agreement is going forward for me to provide feedback whenever his behaviour affects me. That kind of behaviour is not frequent. Approximately 1 issue per month. After initial feedback I noticed a positive change in his behaviour.

But it looks like the burden for addressing those issues is entirely on me. And it’s not me who is causing them.

There will be a company-wide unconscious bias training in a month. I hope he will learn from it.

Can I go back to the mediator and say that I have second thoughts? Would they act on it? Do you think it’s worth it? How severe this looks like to you, because I’m new to this subject.

I cannot afford to lose my job right now and this situation had been super stressful. Right now thinking of going back to work with this sort of agreement makes me shake and I don’t even know why. Please help!

likefunny

Document everything on some sort of cloud server (private box note, teamspace, or OneNote) and continue to report this to HR. It’s unacceptable that you are taking on the burden of fixing someone else’s inappropriate behavior.

like

What were/are the actions and how are they impacting you? Possible to simply sit elsewhere, interact with this human less? One of the unwritten contracts of interacting with the world is, when you enter it, things you encounter might harm you. And it is always your responsibility to manage your own boundaries. Yes. Your boundaries are your responsibility. Hopefully this person reflects and improves, but the moment this person is gone another one will emerge, potentially in a space without a mediator or any support whatsoever. If you've not learned boundaries by then? Well...

helpfullike

Next time push for a formal apology and that he receive 1 on 1 diversity and inclusion training. It’s not the victim who should educate the perpetrators - that’s crazy! However you’ve got a great discrimination case

likefunny

Are they incorporating the unconscious bias training because of this incident? If so, I would say that's a great win for you! It is unfair that you have to be responsible for calling out the behavior but I would say some weight is on him to because he now has to be very aware of his behavior

like

He didn't apologize? Are you kidding me? He wasn't required to? I don't know what kind remedy that is if he can't admit what he did wrong. I'm glad that the behaviour improved but the way that he went about it makes me believe that he will fall back into this pattern

like

Yes you’re responsible for your own boundaries but that’s not always well received. Sometimes, it can make things worse because the aggressor, whose behavior is incorrect in the fist place, will push even harder. My point is that it is ok to ask for help. Being at work needs work just like marriage (not apples to apples of course) but they both need efforts to be put in to get what you want out of them.

Did you talk to your manager? How big is the company? Is your co-worker doing that to you only? More context can definitely help.

Unlike marriage, there are things that you can do to remove yourself from these toxic situations. As much as we’d like to believe, some things will never change unless that person really believes the need for the change, which doesn’t seem to be the case. Sometimes, the person doesn’t have the necessary skills to make these changes.

likehelpful

I am the only woman on the team so I am the only one experiencing this.
There has been an investigation of these issues and as a result I was told that “these is some learning for the other side” so I was really surprised he was unwilling to admit to anything.
Unfortunately, I cannot discuss details of the mediation with my manager, because it was confidential.

Indeed, it looks like he does not have the necessary skills and I need to start looking for a more safe environment.

likefunny

What country did this happen in? Was the mediation a third party vendor, part of the company, or via a court litigation?

The mediation doesn’t seem impartial and I agree it puts the burden on you.

I would consult with an employment attorney who only represents plaintiffs/employees. It sounds like you have a legal claim.

I agree that it may be safer to leave this company.

like

UK.
Mediator is an attorney who is also an employee of the same company I work for.

like

Keep a paper trail in case there is any retaliation and you have to sue

like

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