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I’m 26 weeks pregnant and trying to figure out my leave. I live in NJ and work at PwC, any fishes know the policy for NJ and PwC? The leave center has not been much help and I want to plan NOW not like 60 days before. I was told NJ gets two weeks before due date and PwC gives you two weeks as well.
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My wife and I have been together for a little over 8 years, we got married in November but we were engaged for 4 years prior to that. We met in college, and while we were in college our relationship was great. We were so infatuated with one another and just loved being together all the time. I was a year ahead of her in college, and then when I graduated, life started and this is where things went downhill...
Coming from a low-income, single mother household, my mindset was solely focused on making it out, becoming successful, and being able to provide for my family. So I always performed well in school and college, and once I graduated I became a workhorse. Got my CPA license within 6.5 months, then finished grad school 6 months later. I’ve always been a very high performer at work, so I got promotions much faster than most people. I went to a different firm and got promoted twice within a year, and I’m currently on my way to making partner within the next 2-4 years. Doing well financially, my wife and I have an amazing house, dogs, and planning on kids for the future. Sounds like we have a great life, right?
Wrong. I became such a workhorse after college that I completely lost sight of the #1 most important thing in our relationship: US. I figured that I’m providing for us financially, we have everything we need, I do chores around the house all the time without hesitation, I take care of the dogs, I pay the bills, we live a semi-lavish lifestyle, so what’s there to complain about, right? Well over the last 5-6 years my wife would periodically tell me she wasn’t happy and that I’ve become a totally different person than who she fell in love with, and I just couldn’t see it because I was always like “I have the same personality, I laugh at the same things, none of that has changed, the only thing that changed is that we’re not in college.” She kept telling me over and over again, and I just was not getting it. We even went to therapy at one point because we got to such a low point. Overall, my wife basically just ended up settling with me and thinking “this is just my life from now on.” As you can imagine, she hasn’t been happy for years.
Fast forward to last week; my wife is a teacher and was on spring break. She was hanging out a lot with her sister and some friends, and she had the time of her life with them. Her sister said “I haven’t seen you this happy since high school.” They were basically encouraging her to divorce me because I wasn’t treating her the way she deserves.
Fast forward to yesterday, and I’m having coffee with this older guy, and we just talked about parenting the whole time. Whenever I would talk about how my wife and I want to raise our kids, he would say “yeah but you’re young, you’re only 27, you have time, enjoy yourselves.” It’s not that I haven’t heard that before, but for whatever reason hearing that yesterday was a major slap in the face. It led me to think “wtf are we doing?” Which then led to where all these past years finally clicked with me and I was like “wtf have I been doing all this time?” I finally realized that what she wanted from me was for me to focus on us, not on work/other things literally all the time.
I came home yesterday and I was excited to tell her about my epiphany and that I’m going to focus on this daily from now on. We talked for about 2-3 hours, but one thing she told me that stuck with me is that she was literally about to have a girls night this Friday with her friends to figure out how to tell me she wants a divorce. Yesterday’s conversation didn’t completely fix our marriage because there’s a lot of work to do moving forward, but it’s the start of fixing things since I’m finally on the same page as her after all this time, and it avoided what would’ve been a disaster within the next few days.
Moral of the story: focus on loving your spouse, not taking care of your spouse. Your spouse can have their responsibilities in life taken care of by anyone, but you have to realize (as I finally did) that’s not the reason your spouse is staying with YOU. They’re with YOU because of the unique love you two developed early on, which is the foundation of your relationship. Like a house, if there’s cracks in the foundation that don’t get fixed, then everything else (finances, bills, chores, house, wedding, kids, dogs, etc.) will crumble.
I’m not 100% certain today where our relationship is headed. But I’m 100% certain that we’re finally on the same page and that I’m going to do everything in my power to get us back to where we were the first three years of our relationship, which starts with focusing on US #1, not responsibilities.
Hope this helps somebody out there.
Thank you so much for sharing this ❤ I can relate...
I was raised by an immigrant single mom who made $12/hr and raised me and my brother. I became so focused on working and "making it" that I lost sight of who I was. I recently met someone that I really like and see a future with, so seeing this makes me more aware of the things that really matter. I've lost great relationships before because of being stressed out with work and not having the emotional capacity to deal with relationship challenges. I won't let that happen again.
That's your #1 sign of the relationship drifting apart... the fact that they spend more time with family and friends. I truly hope you guys work it out and stay together. Take a few days off of work and focus on her.. Be vulnerable and willing to listen to how she feels. She will tell you what she needs from you, you just have to be willing to truly listen.
Gosh my heart feels for you. I have such similar beginnings. We were so poor growing up and my real father was abusive to my mom and me. My mom eventually got out and remarried a great man.
I was the oldest of four. And the first to go to college, the first to own a business, and the list goes on.
My first marriage fell apart due to my drive and unwillingness to budge; thank goodness we never had kids. All I wanted to do was overcome near poverty beginnings. I had one goal in life--to be a millionaire with no clue how to do it. I literally only wanted to be a millionaire so I never had to say no to my wife or kids.
I am now a partner in a top 10 firm, have a wife, four kids and things are great.
Sitting at my 5 year anniversary dinner with my first wife: I truly was staring at my wife in a fancy restaurant from the other side of the table. In my head, for the life of me, I had nothing to say to her. I felt awful. Scared actually. How did I get here with this woman I adored in college, chased all over campus like a lost puppy, did anything I could for her, stayed up all hours talking and hanging out. And, 5 years into our marriage I do not know what to say to her.
I had worked so much to move up that ladder, and I did. Tax manager making over 6 digits at 27. I thought I was hot stuff. That next morning I told her how I felt. We worked on it for 6 more months, counseling, the whole nine yards. It just was too far gone and I didn't own my part.
I made one major mistake. I expected her to see me. To see why I worked so hard. To see why I did all I did. I expected her to respect me for no reason more than I worked hard for her. My epiphany came too late. But, you can be darn sure I learned a lot and make sure my 2nd (and last!!) marriage thrives.
Your epiphany may just be the thing. Give her space and time to trust the "new you". Love is an action. Saying I love you is fine. But, it has to be backed up. She's got to see you making the actions. Be consistent. Share frustrations, not gripes. Ask for help (this one is HARD, but important). Ask for her thoughts. Ask what she wants to do. Make sure she understands your why. Do you know her why?
You are hitting your goals. Are you helping her hit hers? Are you asking her (involving her) to help you with yours?
Align those goals. Meet in the middle. I use to believe compromise means no one wins. (remember, my first marriage failed). Now, I believe compromise means each of you win some of the time. Each get their way on certain things. Keep it even without keeping score.
Marriage can be so hard sometimes. My wife and I can really go at it sometimes, but we trust we will be there for each other, give some space and fix it the next day.
Man when it is right, it is phenomenal and so damn much fun!! I hope you make it work! And, if you are ok with it, I'd like to say a little prayer for you and your wife.
I appreciate you all saying this. While I’ve never been married, I was dating a girl I believed I could marry. Now that we’ve been broken up over a year I had been recognizing this as likely the reason why we didn’t work out. She was amazingly caring and supportive of me, way more understanding of my work situation than she needed to be. I couldn’t see it in the moment but I realized now that sentiment was very one sided. My work got everything from me, and I didn’t have the capacity to be fully present with her. I wasn’t supporting her dreams or fully pursuing her desires because I didn’t have enough left to give after work and I realized I was complaining about work all the time...
I’ve made a lot of changes in my life now and I believe I’ll be able to be a better partner to whoever I date next. I just wish I had recognized all this before it was too late.
I love that you are sharing this and I am happy for all of you, even the person who maybe doesn’t want to be single right now. No regrets. Life is for living and fucking up royally and moving on, humbled and improved. ❤️