How do you have a conversation with someone that makes an unknowingly inappropriate or insensitive comment that not only impacts you but others around your office?

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I’m going to assume (hope) that this is a onetime offhanded comment and not a series of comments which in aggregate reveals a pattern. If the latter, the approach I’m about to discuss changes slightly, depending on who this person is, position relative to you etc. If the former, I would take this on as such—

Pre-Convo
1. Take a deep breath and assume the speaker just doesn’t know any better—this is big. Shout out to my homey, Egya for the mantra ‘First assumption is love...until you prove me wrong.’ Gets me through some hard moments.
2. Determine what you want from the convo—an apology? Punishment? A teachable moment?
3. Schedule time to speak to this person directly—Hey Joe, can we chat for a second?

The Convo
4. Have the convo in private—not in the bathroom or middle of the hall.
5. Keep the convo short, simple and direct.
6. Stick to the facts—when we were meeting earlier, I heard you say ‘X’.
7. Ask clarifying and open ended questions. ‘Would you tell me what you meant by that?’
8.Focus on how the statement made you feel—When you said x, I felt infantilized etc., the team felt ostracized. What have you...but be mindful of talking for everyone.
9. End with what you would like—I want you to be mindful of that going forward. Thank them for their time and keep it moving.
10. Worst case scenario, talk to HR.

Obviously, there are a host of variables that may change this fact pattern—for example, if this is a client or your manager etc., but this should serve as a solid foundation.

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If you can - pretend you don’t “get it” after the person says it. “What do you mean blank does blank? Can you explain?"

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