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Bowl Leader
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I messed ups no need help. Idk where to turn.
Daily Reflection 1/21
Bowl Leader
Acceptance is the answer.
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You need to leave. You’re being abused. Youre in shock so your judgment isn’t right, but you are not safe and this is not a good relationship, it’s a very bad one. You deserve better and you need to seek help if you can’t separate from her easily.
Here is the National Domestic Violence Hotline, please give it a call: https://www.thehotline.org/?utm_source=youtube&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=domestic_violence
Yes, time to go
But this was something else, it also involved a lot of verbal abuse, shouting name calling etc. that went with it. She apologized after some time and we slept, but it’s left me in a lot of shock as I haven’t experienced this before, especially as a man. I love her, but afraid a little and feel a part of me just died. I asked her to give me some time to process, I am going to forgive her as she promised it will never happen again, but any advice on whatever you all can provide will be very appreciated. Thanks!
I in no way minimized the rates or percentages that this occurs to women. In fact I didn't speak on it at all. And I truly hope you continue on a path to peace where you don't attempt to judge others step work or take their inventory.
I was an an abusive relationship but also made all this excuses for my ex - his past trauma, inability to process emotions or shame, etc. I used to cry to my therapist that “he’s a hurt person, he didn’t mean to.” Therapist had to remind me that she works with a lot of hurt people, and to remind me that “hurt people” don’t call their partners the names my ex called me when he was angry. People who really love you will never hurt you like that. Sadly a lot of people were never taught how to love well when they were children
In any case, if she’s not willing to try rehab or therapy after this, I don’t recommend staying. Forgiving is one thing. But I would try to let this one go babe
Ok
Okay.
I’m very sorry you experienced this. But abuse is never your fault.
Thanks. But she’s not chronic drinker. I just don’t know what got into her. She’s very sorted otherwise. I just have no framework to assess this or decide on next steps. She is asking me to let it go and I said it’s been three days and I am still not over it. Feel like I cannot hold her like I used to anymore, not sure what is happening inside my head…
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Call the hotline. Share your story like you did here. You are not alone in feeling how you are, you just need the right support to care for yourself properly. Please, seek the support and leave her.
Wow, this is really horrible and I'm so sorry you're going through this. I think the comments about leaving are important, and I would recommend the same. Any relationship where this has happened is not going to last in my opinion. Physical violence is absolutely crossing a boundary that should never be crossed. She might be able to heal with a lot of personal work and in a different relationship, but you will inevitably always have this memory and I don't think it will be good for you long term. I'm sure it's absolutely devastating, but think about yourself in the future (and the possibility of her doing this to children) and get the heck out.
We have two kids..7 and 9. Divorced parents, mine is 7 and hers is 9. Both boys..
Bowl Leader
It shocking when we learn what people are capable of, and it’s equally shocking when we see ourselves reach a new low.
Certainly take some time to process what happened, but no one deserves to be abused. If neither of you take any action it’s possible it could happen again; and the things that cause these outbursts seem to get worse with time, never better, if they go untreated.
I’d look into some therapy for the both of you; together and separate. There’s something at the root of this for both of you that needs some healing.
Lastly, if she was blacked out when it happened, she won’t be able to believe how she really acted, and she’ll minimize it and want it to just go away. As of right now you’re just engaged; I wouldn’t get married until I was confident I knew that the source was addressed. ❤️🩹
She thinks I am exaggerating but I am not…
I’m really sorry you went through this. Please don’t stay. I went through something similar when we were engaged. He apologized profusely and I believed it would never happen again. He was wonderful for a while then as soon as we got married a switch flipped and he got significantly worse. After finally ending up in an emergency room years later, I found the courage to leave. It wont get better. My heart hurts for you. I wish you the best.
Ok
Thanks all, this is really helping me think through, keep your opinions coming please
Op, sorry to hear this. I read trough all the messages. Past traumas / other mental health situations can cause this. You also have kids in the mix. I strongly suggest you - (1) Separate physically for some period of time, and, (2) have her complete treatment and get better before you consider getting back together. She doesn’t have full realization of what occurred and will not like the idea of separating. But eventually she will thank you because this is something she really needs to do, and it will definitely improve your relationship immensely.
Having been in an abusive relationship I understand exactly how you are feeling and I am so sorry this happened to you. Unfortunately unless your fiance decides to quit drinking it sounds like it could get worse. In my experience it always gets worse but I know there are circumstances where it doesn't. Be safe OP>
From a female and new mom perspective, probably wise of you to not retaliate bc we both know if she had so much as a bruise on her you’d be considered at fault.
One question to ask yourself: do you want kids? Is someone who is capable of being that violent good mother material? I think not. Being a new mom is so exhausting and trying especially hard n the first 6-8 weeks. Postpartum anxiety depression and rage are all very real things.
Violence is never the answer. She needs serious help for her demons and you need some help processing what happened to you.