Had a really bad day 😞 I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself. Things will be going well and then out of nowhere I get blackout drunk. I am tired of feeling sick and anxious from drinking. I don’t really even want to drink sometimes but do it anyway. Blacked out last night, and still feel sick now. I’ve never shared with anyone that I have this problem, until I found this message board. I have so much anxiety that I won’t be able to get this under control. I feel isolated and sad.

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I wrote this to myself in my Notes app after a particularly horrible weekend binge where I blacked out, missed a friends party, didn’t answer texts or calls, and cheated on my girlfriend. As my old sponsor used to say, “I felt lower than whale sh*t”. Here it is:

Regret
I've done this to myself. There is no one else to blame, which is part of what makes it so painful. My depression is near absolute and my body has been decimated. I promise myself I won't drink as much, or at all, but at this point I have no faith or confidence in myself.

I'm trying to manage the depression and keep out the morbid thoughts. I truly can't solve this myself, probably because it's not an equation that can be solved. I'm not comfortable talking about this with anyone I know and I'm trapped in the prison that is my own mind. I've been waiting for over a decade for someone to save me, or inspire me to save myself. I don't want to give up hope. I know a different approach is required.

If I drink I can't sleep, I can't think, I can't love. I can't love myself and I can't love anyone else.

I make rules and break them every time. I make friends and lose them every time. I'm trapped in ice and I don't produce enough heat to melt myself out of it, nor can I call for help for someone else to step in.

Why do I hate myself? Why can't I respect my mind and my body? I want bigger and better things, in fact I want the best things, but I'll end up with nothing if I don't make a change. Stop eating shit. Stop drinking poison. Stop ignoring your body. Stop ignoring your mind. Helping others will allow you to help yourself.

Just because you're feeling better doesn't mean you are better. Stop lying to yourself.

helpfullike

^ Thanks for sharing. It does spill into the week sometimes now too… I just sometimes don’t feel like I drink much more
then a lot of my peers. And I don’t know if I am in denial - things have been stressful lately. When things are going well I seem to be in control, it’s just when there are stressors that happen, or some event that is an open bar, things can get weird. Most of the time I am okay. It’s just the times I am not okay that have me worried. Like a funeral for a teenager I had to go to last weekend - was incredibly difficult for me, and to see my friends in so much pain. I ended up getting drunk at the wake - but everyone else was drinking, and that was an event that was out of my control because of the stress and grief. Those are the times it’s not really my fault vs Weds night - when I had no reason to get drunk.

I have been there. Try an AA meeting and look for the code: OD. Means Open Discussion. It’s a meeting for people who are not sure if they have an issue with alcohol. I was terrified at the beginning. I thought I might be but didn’t want to be. It took some time but I am a grateful alcoholic. Sure, non alcoholics think that’s crazy but the life I have now is so much different and so much easier to manage. I’ve got the tools because I was willing to change. I would never have the life I have now. Anyway, I know you’re scared, or don’t want to use scared as a word but you’re getting my point. It’s ok, you’ll be alright. DM me if you want. Sober date 7/9/14

likeupliftinghelpful

Welcome. It gets better. Have you tried AA? Do you think you’re an alcoholic?

likehelpful

I have talked to some people on here. I just don’t know anymore. I don’t think my alcohol usage is “normal.” But it’s somewhat in line with my peers. I get confused because I don’t drink daily, and I can go a week or more and not get drunk. Not sure what the answer is anymore.

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^Thanks for sharing - I used the Reframe app for a while - worked for a while, then things got bad again.

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Make sure you are hydrating and taking vitamins and juices. Focus on drinking that full gallon of water. So simple but it really does help in early recovery. Also glutathione is a supplement that helps to detox the liver.

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Thanks! I do drink a lot of water but not much of a juice person. I also had annual blood work this week and surprisingly my liver is still in great shape somehow… so may be my chance to quit before that changes. All my blood work came back great.

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