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Rising Star
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Need some advice, one morning i woke up and
Hi guys,
Do zs provide wfh or it permanent wfo?
Additional Posts in Addiction & Sobriety
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Pause. Breathe. Proceed.
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I messed ups no need help. Idk where to turn.
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I don't think it's been mentioned here yet, but I strongly suggest you seek out a local Al Anon group if you haven't already. Also, as others have said - it's important he does this himself and takes action. You can't and shouldn't badger or pester him to go to meetings. If he hasn't gone to a meeting yet, he needs to start and go on his own. Re: you joining him in attending open meetings. He really needs to get a sponsor, and work with that sponsor to determine if and when it's an appropriate time to join him in a meeting. While it's your, the two of you's future, it's his disease. But unlike a disease like cancer or something, the main support comes from fellow alcoholics in the program. And it isn't about doing the work on behalf of each other, but holding each other accountable. Good luck. Go to Al Anon.
@D1: that was so beautifully said. Truly, thank you for your vulnerability and candor. I’ve seen AA work with family and friends. I know it can work if he has the desire to make it work. It falls on him and only him. I can give him as much love and support as possible but I can only do so much. I love him very much and I want to make it work. However, I also won’t set myself up for failure. If he isn’t willing to make the change and do the work, then out the door is where I’m headed, as sad as that is to say. Congratulations on your sobriety and your current stage. I’m so happy the program has worked for you and you’re on the road for a prosperous life. I wish you all the best!
Highly recommend al anon for you 💜 feel free to DM me if you need any help. You’re not alone.
Thank you so much 🤍
My POV is hopeful. The world is full of functional alcoholics, especially the developed world where people have stressful jobs, money, and live in an alcohol fueled culture. The fact your fiance is functional and has the presence of mind and trust to admit it and talk about it are all good things. My suggestion would be to help him see it through and if you have real concerns about his ability and your long term happiness then maybe delay getting married and try to work through it with him to see rather than making a choice now.
Thank you for your hopefulness. It’s encouraging and helpful. He’s in pretty deep right now but time and his actions will dictate how this shakes out.
Bowl Leader
I suggest tempering your expectations. Recovery is very much not linear. The initial hurdle is the highest, but people can backslide or plateau or delay or get stuck in denial or resentment.
All of these things can be overcome, in my experience, if the person works a program of recovery to the best of their ability (for me I needed AA, but I damn sure didn’t want to go at the start). The 24th of this month will be 6 years sober for me, which is crazy because going 6 DAYS without a drink used to be damn near impossible.
Lastly, drinking is really just a symptom. Yes, the drinking creates problems, but the reason we started to drink in the first place is usually rooted in some very deep-seated emotional traumas that stem back to childhood. When the drink is taken away, we can feel like a raw nerve with no protection, no comfort, no escape, and no hope. Most of us become very irritable and not fun to be around (this is an area where I’ve seen the AA meetings and 12 Steps really help). Sometimes we become completely different people. And sometimes the most beautiful changes occur and relationships can grow closer and stronger. The best plan is just to be ready with patience, kindness, tolerance, and love.
Bowl Leader
That’s so awesome that he went to a meeting and felt comfortable! Meetings are all “generally” the same, but each can have their own “personality”. Finding the right meeting and making it your “home group” is an important early step.
If he’s like me (but I drank wine) he may need to replace with sugar for awhile which means amping up the ice cream or juice. My personal view is let him if that helps with cravings. Also make sure there’s none in the house and if he is hiding it make him come clean.
Agree with RE1. I strongly recommend the Huberman Lab episode on Alcohol as a baseline to hammer home the health choice. It’s a little slippery though. He needs to own this is an absolute. He can’t drink ever. That is really owning the disease aspect. Maybe he can do that without AA or maybe AA is what he needs. I don’t know. But it’ll be hard for you to assess unless you feel he is being very open and vulnerable with you. If it’s all roses, he isn’t being open.
Personally, I’ve chosen the “health” lens on this and have stepped away from AA. So I get that. AA wasn’t a fit for me but I needed it at the very beginning. Maybe I’ll need it at another point; I haven’t shut that door. Also, my wife is on the same health journey which has been insanely helpful.
I had a fiance who admitted to me he had a porn addiction. That eventually led me to break up with him and called off the wedding. It was the toughest and most heartbreaking decision i ever had to make but i do not regret it. The person with the addiction needs to be the one who wants the help. He was very upset when i broke things off, we went no contact. A year later we reconnected randomly and ive seen he ended up getting the help he need and did a 180. Hes still working through his journey of course and it’s a long road ahead. But i trust his conviction now than i did before and we are actually starting to date again. Take what you will with this info lol.
Bowl Leader
I found this book at a thrift stop for $1. It’s a “daily reader” meaning one page is dedicated to each day of the year, and everyday there is a helpful message. This daily reader is specifically for Al-Anon, so it made me think of OP. These types of books can be super helpful, especially as a quick, daily bathroom read to get your head in the right place.
It’s almost like you knew I was in a low point right now. Thank you so much. Buying this now!
The best thing you can do for yourself is Alanon.
Going to my first meeting tomorrow 🤍
He's admitted he has a problem, which is a good step. Not sure he needs AA as I don't know what type of drinker he is (binge? daily drinker?) but finding him support through your church or some group is crucial during the first days of trying to get sober.
He’s a daily drinker. Hard alcohol, usually bourbon is drink of choice. It’s all been behind my back so playing catch up here.
As a person that is going thew addiction to pain meds. I have known i have had this problem for a few years now, i am off and on. I have never told anyone, not even my wife. If they are open and admitting this problem to a loved one, they know its time to get help and should be ready to receive the help they need. My first step was admission of the problem, its 4 months now.
It does matter a bit. My wife confronted me and I quit drinking for a while but was actually just biding my time til I could convince her to drink again. Drank again. Then finally decided I truly needed to stop. Point here is if you are forcing his hand, he may not really, really be ready and want this. It took a big fuck up for me to realize I needed to stop for real for real.
It’s impossible to get in his head. He may not even understand all this right now. But just know that you forcing his hand versus him coming to the conclusion on his own is pretty different in how he may view what’s going on.
Rising Star
See if he would be willing to going to am open AA meeting with you. Open meetings are for anyone to learn about the program. (closed meetings are only for those who have a desire to stop drinking). Or you can contact your local AA central office to get a volunteer to meet him to go to a meeting. What city are you in?
Thank you both for your responses. I’m going to give him what I’ve found and see how he responds. His response and willingness will dictate our future.
I’ve started looking for Al-Anon meetings for myself, too. I appreciate both of your feedback. Congratulations on your recovery and my best to you both!
Wow this is a tough situation. I would support him encourage him tell him he is being brave and amazing. Has he decided to stop drinking? Or is he still at the point of figuring out his next moves?
As you consider your next moves, be honest with yourself on your belief (or lack of belief) in his ability to get this under control. Going through with the marriage is one thing but def put a lot of thought into starting a family.
This is a huge step!! Congrats to him.
Well, it's great that he had admitted it. That is the first step. I have been trying to get my mom to admit this for years. You're all headed in the right direction. This might be a long road ahead but it'll be worth it on the other side.
Thank you for your response. It’s been a long road to get here for sure. But I appreciate your hopefulness.
I’ve had an issue with binge eating throughout my life. Reading “untamed” by Glennon Doyle helped me realize that my eating had nothing to do with food or actually being hungry, it was underlying psychological trauma. I don’t want to assume that alcohol is the same, but with regular therapy, antidepressants, etc I’ve learned more about what my triggers are that caused me to cope with food. I’m definitely not perfect also I can’t completely cut out food and am VERY good at convincing myself that I still *need* more, but slowly I’m getting better.