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Broke up with my ex for that very same reason. Now married with a son and couldn’t imagine my life without him. I wasn’t going to compromise on that.
Chief
There are some things you just can't compromise on and this is one of them. You need to have the conversation. If you both don't agree, I recommend ending it. I don't see how it would work out if you don't want the same thing, whether that means kids or no kids. It's too big of a decision that impacts every aspect of your life for one of you to go from wanting kids to not or from not wanting kids to wanting them just because of the wish if their partner.
Edit: if either of you tried to pressure the other to change their opinion, I foresee resentment and bitter feelings in your future together, unfortunately.
Yea. Seems like a really difficult thing for one person to give up. Unless there’s a compromise and both people can meet in the middle I don’t see how this lasts if you both are serious about long term status.
I am a female who also does not want to have kids. I will say, whatever you choose to do, don’t make her feel bad for what she wants. One thing I will say is being someone who doesn’t want to have kids, it is really frustrating for people to question me or judge me based off of what I want in my life. If you want kids I would say break up, it’s much better than trying to convince someone who knows what they want. All that might do is cause tension between the two of you.
Chief
This. There is no right or wrong, just an understanding that they should both be on the same page. And that you shouldn't try to exert a lot of pressure and sway things. Talk it through, understand reasoning. But don't try to tell the other person they are wrong in their feelings or that they'll eventually "come around" or whatever
Yes and fast. Can you imagine your life without children? The chances of her changing her mind are as much as you changing yours. Your relationship has no future.
Easily said then done. Having/not having kids is usually a dealbreaker. Hard to compromise on this one
As a girl with the opposite opinion, I always bring it up in a very straightforward way with SOs. You can’t have half a kid, there’s no real middle ground. I start talking about the future generally, bring up a milestone (moving in, getting a dog, whatever), and say, I could only do that with someone I see myself compatible with long-term, and part of that is no kids. Then see where it goes.
Not relevant but feel like sharing. I am a female , I would love to have kids but I don’t want to have kids with my current SO. He is an ok sweet guy but has some major mental issues that I was unaware of before we got married. I just don’t see it with him.
Best of luck D1. Hopefully it works out for both of you.
Just curious OP- why did you post in the “staying healthy” bowl?
Thanks man. Been through anything similar?
Have a friend who married a guy out of college. He said he didn’t want kids, she figured he’d change his mind eventually. They’re now divorced (there are a few other small reasons, but that was the main one). Figure it out now and be on the same page, you don’t want to be counting on the other person to change their mind
I once was that girlfriend. It was the right decision to go our separate ways. 3 years later I met the right person, got married, and now have a son and love being a mom.
Time is on your side. My approach would be to casually bring up the topic here and there with enticing examples, unless you are ready to become a dad now and have a plan B.
You may also want to find out why she does not want to have kids. It’s possible she may have had a traumatic childhood or is from a broken / divorced family. Sometimes these things can leave a scar and make a woman not want to have kids. But for most women, it’s a dream to be a mother. And is always a beautiful experience with the right man.
Same as A2, C2 and Deloitte 8. Great childhood. Don’t want kids. Never have. Really crystal clear on that. If someone was waiting around for me to change my mind, they’d really be wasting their time, setting themselves up for disappointment and doing me a disservice in the process.
Generally, if two people don’t have the same long-term goals, the relationship won’t last. One person will always resent the other because he or she could not do something he or she always wanted because of the SO. It comes down to being compatible.
I can confidently admit that I was never fully onboard with having kids. I use to hate holding babies even my cousins kids. BUT....after meeting the right person and now having 2 kids, I can’t imagine not being a parent. In fact, I would like 1 more if my wife would only agree
Pro
Yep, I would likely break up with my SO if he changed his mind and now wanted kids (we both don’t want any). Probably not immediately, but I could see our priorities diverging if one of us all of a sudden wanted kids but the other didn’t.
Either way, it’s a huge decision with lots of implications and this is 100% one of those things you both should be 100% on the same page. As others have said, there’s just no way to compromise on something this huge.
Yes, I would. With my girlfriend (now wife), I was very clear from the beginning that I wanted kids and not having them is a deal breaker. Plus, all generally accepted practices in marital life are applicable. If you have any issues with any practice, bring it up before we become serious about our relationship. Of course we cannot account for everything but the major ones (kids, finances, careers, etc.) were discussed and negotiated before we got engaged. It sounds really cold, but it helps in the long run
Chief
Doesn't sound cold, sounds practical. Of there is a big rif, better to work it out before marriage or break off the engagement if you really can't agree rather than waste more time and pile on more heartbreak ending in divorce.
Please do. My ex husband and I got divorced because he wanted kids and I didn’t. We married under the assumption “maybe our feelings would change” (stupid I know) and it didn’t work long term. Be honest if that’s going to be a deal breaker long term for you. Be happy!
Yes. It’s the unselfish thing to do. Otherwise one of you will be living in resentment.
Female here. If she doesn’t want kids and you do, it probably isn’t going to work. You want very different big picture lives. She isn’t going to just suddenly snap and be ok having kids at a certain point. You’ve both stated your intentions. Small item differences are ok. Big life choices are harder to make work. It depends on if you’re ok with not having kids. If you’re not, you should leave. If it’s just a mild preference you can probably make it work.
Just have kids with someone else's girlfriend 🤷♂️
This guy fuchs
Similar situation. We already own a house together, and we kinda have it buried right now. But I’m with you, the convo should happen before married, though Idt it will be easy to just end it (house and 2 dogs)
Appreciate it mate. If you’re ever in stl area, beers on me