In recovery and I have been doing my work to recover from the breakup. I discovered that my ex was a fearful avoidant. I used to be anxious (but I am more towards secure since I started therapy more regularly). It makes sense that he loved me but could not be with me. I was shocked when the breakup happened because I could say he loved me deeply. I have more sympathy for myself and him despite for being hurt at the time. Continued in comments.

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You seem like such an emotionally mature and grounded person, you deserve someone with those exact qualities. My ex and I broke up five months ago and I immediately started therapy and healing. We had a good breakup where we talked about what he could improve upon. So when it got back to me that he regressed back into his old ways, it definitely made me upset that he hadn’t learned any lessons. It’s sad but you can’t help anyone who doesn’t want to help themselves.

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Avoindants won’t listen or get help for themselves until they realize it. You pointing out how good therapy is for you will only make them feel worse… it may be different with fearful avoidant vs dismissive, but that’s my experience.

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Sounds like my ex. i say keep it a clean break. it’s not your responsibility anymore (not that their emotions were ever your emotions but i’m sure you felt like they were bc i did too)

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Thank you everyone. I appreciate you responding. I decided to not reach out.

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I have been in NC pretty much for over 6 months but I almost feel like texting him about it. It’s been hard because he has reached out a few times and I have shut him down each time (to not get more hurt and get out of it). I am not looking for anything out of texting but hoping that he gets help for himself and works on himself and does not hurt other people. But I am conflicted and wonder if I should stick to my boundaries as that is not my business anymore (and I don’t have to “save” him)

What a lovely compassionate view toward yourself and your ex. It is not your role to save or fix him and I would be hesitant to initiate contact with him as you could reopen wounds for both of you unintentionally. It sounds like you are making progress and maybe the best gift you can give yourself and him is a clean break.

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Do NoT reach out

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